You’re Gross

Have you ever heard someone say, “we will never get married once you tie the knot; your love life is dead.”? I have. I also remember feeling the same way at one time.

One day I looked at my husband from across the house and felt he was a roommate and not my spouse.  I had no idea how it happened or when. But it was like all of a sudden; we woke up strangers.

I remember thinking, “wow, those comments were true. Is this it?”

Marriage is romantic and desirable, a dream, for most women, starting as young as we can remember. 

But the reality is that we are attracted to the romance, intimacy, partnership, and idea of spending life with our lover and best friend.  We are not thinking about their imperfections or trials that we will (not may) face as a couple.  We are not thinking of our shortcomings or idiosyncrasies that will cause turmoil.

Or even the day-to-day grind of working full time while juggling the children’s needs, family, or friends, scheduling in our self-care, and there are also ministry responsibilities in some homes. Yet, somewhere in that schedule, we are supposed to fit the person we choose to spend the rest of our life with. 

How do you keep the spark alive? The big secret is proper care. I knew something had to change when I felt I was married to a stranger. So I cried out to God for help, sought council, and learned something profound and straightforward.

Nothing in life would remain alive without “proper care.” Plants wither and eventually die without water and light; animals won’t survive without food, water, and proper care. Try driving a car without gas or correct maintenance (oil change, breaks, etc.). 

If the things we enjoy or rely on in life need attention to maintain their purpose or function, isn’t it safe to say marriage is the same?  Sometimes a marriage requires a good tune-up, not a tune-out.

Simple changes changed my marriage.  Serving my husband (properly caring like a plant giving him what he needs) with the right heart started changing the dynamic of our marriage, and he began to do the same for me. The more I was available for his needs, the more he was attentive to mine—the spark of romance burst into flames like a wildfire. Marriage is not about our spouse meeting our needs, but how we can meet the needs of each other.  If both parties took that stand, neither side would wither away.  Romance would stay alive.

Matt and I want our children to know what a healthy marriage resembles.  Therefore, we have no problems showing affection, flirting, cuddling, and even sharing a kiss in the privacy of our own home. However, the boys will often say, “UGH… you’re so gross, stop flirting with mom.” we laugh at them and respond, “We can flirt all we want! We’re married and love each other.” Then, in protest, they say, “You’re gross!” Our prayer is they grow up, get married, and properly care for their marriage to one day hear “you’re gross” from the little voices of their children.