Keep Moving

The light in my eyes dimed that cold November night as I heard the Doctor say

“There is nothing more we can do to help your father, Mrs. Whitley. The truth is we need to consider hospice. Do you know how your father wishes to live out the remaining time of his life?”

A knot slowly forms in my throat. I swallowed it back, took a breath, and responded, “home” the sound of defeat echoed in my head.

“I understand this is a hard decision, Mrs. Whitley. I can set up palliative care to help your family through this process.”

As I fought back tears, I thanked the Dr. for his time.

That night I felt my world unravel, my heart began to crack, and my life would soon change.

I cried to my husband,

“I can’t do this… I can’t bring dad home and watch him die. Our kids will lose their grandfather; it will break them. I am not strong enough for this.”

He listened to me cry, and he encouraged me that we would be ok. Then, desperate for answers, I reached out to a friend who works in hospice. I explained to her what the Dr had said and how I felt.

“Julie,” She began, “this is not about you or the family anymore. This is about dad and how you guys can help him. You are strong enough, and you will do this. I know it may not feel it now, but this is the greatest gift you can give him.”

I went to sleep and woke up with renewed strength and peace. God shifted my perspective, and I felt ready for what was to come.

Over the next few weeks, my life was put on hold as I watched my father’s life slip away little by little each day. I wish I could say that it felt like a blessing, but it was the hardest thing I had ever done. Day in and out, I would hold his hand and sing worship. My mother and sister would help me with his care round the clock, making sure he was comfortable. I treasured the moments I sat holding his hand, telling him how much he meant to me, reminding him that I was still his little girl even at this moment. Most nights, I would look at my father’s weak hand resting in mine and remember when he had strong hands that kept me safe. Now my hands are the ones that bring him comfort.  

The whole process was overwhelming. Filled with waves of emotion from anxiety to sorrow,

But I was not alone.

God was with me every step of the way. He was the source of my strength and peace. In my tears, he was my comforter; in my pain, he was my peacemaker; in sorrow, he filled me with joy (yes, even in the darkness). God sustained me. As pain permeated my home at his passing, God kept me standing.

Sometimes life does not go as we planned. We can be on the verge of something big, a promotion, book launch, graduation day, or business launch, and something stops us right in our tracks. 

It can be from something as simple as life’s minor interruptions to something more devastating, like a bad health report of the death of a loved one. But, unfortunately, those interruptions are more like showstoppers. They can paralyze us all together and shatter both our will and spirit.

But we have a choice to make at this time. We can choose to let God speak and move in our interruption or stay stuck in our pain, allowing everything to stop in our lives.

Right before King David died, he looked at his son Solomon (who he had just made king) and said

“As for me, I am going the way of all of the earth. Be strong and be a man, and keep your obligations to the Lord your God to walk in his ways and to keep his statutes, ordinances, and decrees. This is written in the law of Moses, So you have success in everything you do and where ever you turn.” 1 Kings 2:2-3 (CSB)

When I read this chapter, I felt like my father had reached down from the heavens and had given me direction. David encouraged his son even as he was dying.

When you are staring in the face of your dying parent, there is brokenness like no other. Loneliness sets in deep in your soul; there is an emptiness that fills the place where your heartbeats, and though your outward man looks strong, your inward man is fragile.

David told Solomon to be strong, be a man, follow the ways of the Lord.

In other words, he could see the pain in his eyes; he knew what his son would face. Likewise, David knew what facing death and loss felt like. So he encouraged him to stay the course and be a good man, a man that would draw his strength, wisdom, and direction from God.

A man won’t fall apart and leave his kingdom for ruins. But he will lead it with pride and conviction as God leads him.

Losing my father was and at times still is a grieving  I can’t explain. Nothing fills that space or loss; accept the love and promise of God.

Reading about David and Solomon was a beautiful moment.   A moment of promise and hope.   A moment of love and encouragement. The words charged thru me like fire.

Ladies in your brokenness, be strong, be a woman, follow the ways of the Lord. Don’t stop in pain and let go of all God has placed in your hands. Keep your head up and allow God to grow you in pain. Day to day, moment to moment, as we follow him, he will continue to restore our souls and anything stolen from us. Let’s walk like Solomon. 

After David passed, Solomon continued to obey what his father had asked. He led with authority, conviction, and wisdom. Solomon’s kingdom was established under him because of his obedience. It happened thru pain. Sometimes the pain is congruent with our blessing. So when we are amid great distress or trials, Keep our eyes on the Lord (even if they are filled with tears). Dig into his word. Position your heart in a posture of worship. And finally, trust God with every fiber of your being.