Holidays can be a stressful time when you are dating or married. I remember joking with a friend in light conversations about going to the “outlaws” house for certain holidays.  One day I asked why she referred to them as outlaws.  

She began to explain how she felt like an outcast and did not fit in the family circle no matter how hard she tried. I was shocked. What seemed worse was that her family loved her husband like their own. So out of frustration and exhaustion, they were deemed “Outlaws.”

Unfortunately, many of us have this experience. 

When you get to the root of why we have “outlaws,” it’s summed up in one complicated yet powerful word,

 Offense. The offense is the trigger that keeps the gun of anger locked and loaded.    

“They Burned the Bridge. Then ask why I don’t visit” -Unknown.

No one likes to feel disrespected, undervalued, overlooked, and or tolerated.  Being smiled at in person and talked about behind your back is only one example of inlaw drama.  How about being talked down, too, because your perspective is different?  It becomes an exhausting battle faced every time there is a special occasion. Unnecessary tension builds, stirring up pointless arguments where both people are feeling hurt and frustrated.

Your significant other has the pleasure of begging ripped in half during this time. The mission impossible- trying to keep everyone happy. Who will it be? Please their love or their parent? 

When will it be enough? When do we lose outlaws and remain with inlaws?

The answer is simple. When we are willing to forgive and show grace and understanding, we wish to receive. 

Maybe your spouse has tried to establish boundaries around your relationship, and the inlaws did not respect those boundaries.  FORGIVE.  

Maybe your spouse has not defended your position or set boundaries; forgive and show grace.  Perhaps you’re tired of wearing a fake smile and walking on eggshells to please the inlaws.  Show some dignity and the real you.  The more you harbor resentment and unforgiveness, the longer they will be outlaws if a civil engineer can rebuild a destroyed bridge. We can rebuild broken trust If we would stop holding on to what was lost and chose to rebuild on what’s left. 

Look for the positive and extend that grace one visit at a time.

As your spouse sees you being selfless, loving, and understanding, he will advocate for you more.  However, you may be pleasantly surprised to see the outlaws starting to grow fond of you.  Before you know it, they have become the inlaws.  

“man, I need to lose weight.”

“I wish I could stop smoking.”

“I wish I had more time with my family.”

“I would love to have a cleaner house, be stronger, faster, more active, or patient.”

So many of us have goals for self-improvement, but often we wait until the new year to make “a resolution” to change. 

Yet despite our good intentions after a few short months, we fail.

Why, you ask? Most likely, it’s because we are not dealing with the root problem. I saw this quote online, and I couldn’t believe how much truth it spoke.

“The elimination diet: Remove anger, regret, resentment, guilt, and worry, then watch your health and life improve. “~ Charles F. Glassman

We have a choice to remove what is toxic to gain what is right. Our health may not improve overnight. However, by dealing with these root issues, we will see positive changes in our life, bringing us peace and less stress.

What does the “elimination diet” look like in the bible?

^“Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm.”

~Psalm 37:8 New Living Translation

The Bible warns us to turn from all the things that can cause us harm.  Things like anger or rage two significant issues that can root in our hearts, causing other problems if not dealt with. 

For me, I found my escape in food. I loved cooking; it made me feel valued to feed my family and entertain a crowd. However, it also gave me a false sense of purpose and friendship. Food became how I coped with my feelings of frustration or depression. Never really facing my issues, I continued to find any reason to eat. I was never entirely honest with why I ate so much until I weighed 267lbs.

I needed to change, and I wanted to change.  However, I couldn’t do that until I discovered the reason behind my why.   

If we don’t know the root of the reason, we will never deal with the issue at the source; just continue to cover it up, making excuses for our failed attempt at change. 

If out of the heart the mouth speaks, we may want to declutter the things in our mind that damage our souls. It’s time to release them to God, allowing us to live a fuller, happier life