Holidays can be a stressful time when you are dating or married. I remember joking with a friend in light conversations about going to the “outlaws” house for certain holidays.  One day I asked why she referred to them as outlaws.  

She began to explain how she felt like an outcast and did not fit in the family circle no matter how hard she tried. I was shocked. What seemed worse was that her family loved her husband like their own. So out of frustration and exhaustion, they were deemed “Outlaws.”

Unfortunately, many of us have this experience. 

When you get to the root of why we have “outlaws,” it’s summed up in one complicated yet powerful word,

 Offense. The offense is the trigger that keeps the gun of anger locked and loaded.    

“They Burned the Bridge. Then ask why I don’t visit” -Unknown.

No one likes to feel disrespected, undervalued, overlooked, and or tolerated.  Being smiled at in person and talked about behind your back is only one example of inlaw drama.  How about being talked down, too, because your perspective is different?  It becomes an exhausting battle faced every time there is a special occasion. Unnecessary tension builds, stirring up pointless arguments where both people are feeling hurt and frustrated.

Your significant other has the pleasure of begging ripped in half during this time. The mission impossible- trying to keep everyone happy. Who will it be? Please their love or their parent? 

When will it be enough? When do we lose outlaws and remain with inlaws?

The answer is simple. When we are willing to forgive and show grace and understanding, we wish to receive. 

Maybe your spouse has tried to establish boundaries around your relationship, and the inlaws did not respect those boundaries.  FORGIVE.  

Maybe your spouse has not defended your position or set boundaries; forgive and show grace.  Perhaps you’re tired of wearing a fake smile and walking on eggshells to please the inlaws.  Show some dignity and the real you.  The more you harbor resentment and unforgiveness, the longer they will be outlaws if a civil engineer can rebuild a destroyed bridge. We can rebuild broken trust If we would stop holding on to what was lost and chose to rebuild on what’s left. 

Look for the positive and extend that grace one visit at a time.

As your spouse sees you being selfless, loving, and understanding, he will advocate for you more.  However, you may be pleasantly surprised to see the outlaws starting to grow fond of you.  Before you know it, they have become the inlaws.