For as long as I can remember, those thoughts have plagued us, sometimes even crippled some from moving forward for fear of failure.

If we think about it, the need to succeed goes back to childhood. From childhood and high school sports to academic excellence striving to get into our desired college, or maybe proving ourselves in a trade or climbing the corporate ladder. Whatever dream we had as a child or young adult, we were driven to want success and be great at what we did.

But when did the race to success become the thief that stole our joy?

I watch some athletes struggle with taking a loss in a game for fear of no longer being the best team in a division. Yet, they fight to keep their title as their life depends on it.

The academic student pulls late nights, long hours studying, devoting all their time to the books, refusing to fall below 3.5 GPA for fear they won’t be good enough to get into the college of their choice. 

The corporate person who desires to climb the corporate ladder proving they are competent.  If they get the next promotion, they have succeeded. 

The person in ministry is giving all they have and more selflessly to the church and others. Just maybe if they keep giving, the promotion will happen, and they would have succeeded at being a great leader.

How about the parent.  The single parent struggles to work, pay the bills, and balance quality time while feeling guilty about their lack of time.  Maybe if things were different, they would perceive themselves as successful, loving parents.

Stay-at-home parents who get no break feeling the pressure to maintain the perfect house, obedient kids, and well-cooked meals (after all, you don’t work…right); maybe if we had dinner on the table faster, or our kids were less unruly; we would be “successful” parents. 

My question is, what is the measuring stick that defines success in our lives. Is it money, power, status, is it a title? Is it happiness, peace, or coveted life we see in someone else?

The good thing is there is no wrong answer, just an honest one.  What is it that drives you, and is it bringing you happiness? If not, is it worth your peace of mind?

In the last year and a half after writing my first book, “Interrupted,” I had a lot of time to reflect on this.  In my book, I talk about finding balance in all areas of life and allowing God to meet you in the chaos.  It talks about my journey from ministry to being a stay-at-home mom running a daycare from home.

 What I wanted women everywhere to know in reading the book was they have not failed.

 But how can I portray that when at times, I still feel like I fail daily.

Here is what I learned. 

I am a workaholic and have an unquenchable thirst to excel at EVERYTHING I set out to do. So I worked myself to the bone with no boundaries or regard for the lack of time or energy I had for my own family. Yet, I continued to give the best of me to ministry. 

After taking time off to focus on my family, I realized ministry wasn’t the problem; it was me.  Shortly after opening my home daycare, I quickly fell into the same pattern. I was one of the overdriven workaholics working hard day and night to ensure I provided an excellent curriculum and care for the children I was watching. I would max my capacity and work harder.  Sure the pay was great, but the endless nights and weekends of prep, bookkeeping, assessments, and meal planning began to wear me out. The gym became my place of refuge. As soon as the last child left, I was at the gym.

Meanwhile, my children (who I wanted to be home with) got my short fuse for bothering mommy while she tried to work. 

I wrote my book from a place of mom fails and lessons.  But the biggest one I have learned besides God’s grace is so good.  Is that nothing is worth stealing your peace. 

I placed such a high value on being successful that I never had peace.  Even when I was with my family, I was distracted and never fully present. I was exhausted and unhappy there was always more to do, one more thing for me to check off my list. When would I be able to enjoy life and my children?  Being on edge and frustrated had to stop; I was done crying myself to sleep, feeling guilty for my lack of quality time with my family.  I realized that how others viewed me did not define my success but how I view myself and how God views me. 

My husband asked, “what do you want to do with life? What would make you happy.”

My response was, “Be a good wife, mom, ministry, and write.”

Shortly after that, we closed the doors to the daycare, and I started a new career path as a nutritionist and personal trainer (giving me the ability to help others). This summer was the first summer I have thoroughly enjoyed my family and experienced true peace in a long time.  There is something about the sounds of laughter and bantering filling the yard as the kid splash around in the pool that brings me joy.  Or the breath-taking moment my husband and I had laying on the hammock watching in awe as three hawks continue to call and glide over our heads with such grace.

Our home is filled with more laughter and peace now that I realize what my success is.

My success will be in my legacy, In how I love my children and husband.  It will be in how I show them to walk with God and help others. We all have to work and make a living, but work does not have to rob us of living. We will all have sacrifices to make to get what we want, but it’s about what you are willing to sacrifice for what you want.  I am no longer willing to sacrifice my peace for the dollar or to prove myself to anyone. So, I will keep working on healthy boundaries keeping my peace of mind at the forefront.

 There is nothing like living in the present.  The sounds of laughter that fill your home, the smell of the roses or homemade cookies, the times I get to sit with my spouse in our Adirondack chairs admiring the beauty of the sunset.

To live in the present, you must release the chaos. So, what chaos is it time to release?

 “No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” ~Hebrews 12:11 CSB

I have four boys, and all of them were diagnosed with ADHD. Before their diagnosis and putting them on a low dose medication correction was a constant thing in my home. You would often hear these word echo thru my house,

“Full body listening, keep your hands off your brother, eyes on me, when do we listen, or finally you guys have too much energy; you need to work on your self-control,” 

It made for very long, emotionally exhausting days, Especially for them.  They often felt defeated, or they failed because of their lack of self-control and constant discipline. 

At times I would also go to bed feeling the same.  

“Have I failed my children? Do I make them unhappy? I wish I did not have to correct them so much.  I just want them to feel loved.”

After battling my insecurities, I gave myself a pep talk. I decided that if I plan on successfully teaching my kids to understand correction, I needed to change my perspective and model it.

 The scripture says: “it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 

Well, if correction is like training, it’s safe to say God is our coach. He will lead us to grow when we have become complacent or too confident in our abilities that we feel we no longer need coaching.

Character building is like training your body to compete athletically. It is painful, exhausting at times, and it takes commitment to better yourself.  If you don’t have the discipline to see past the present discomfort, you will not reap the benefits of future results. So, yes, at times, we will face the uncomfortable truths of correction. No matter how painful it may be, how we view and respond to these situations matter.

One rainy day I was driving with my youngest son John to pick up one of my other sons from a friend’s house. John had some concerns he needed to address, and I guess a rainy car ride was just the place.

“Mom, I wish I did not have lots of energy. I hate it.  Why do I have to have so much energy?”

Imagine the thoughts racing through my head while I know the answer to the question I was about to ask.

“John, why do you hate it? What’s wrong with having lots of energy?” 

Peeking at him through the rearview mirror, I see him staring out the side window, deep in thought.

“I always get yelled at, mom.  It makes me sad.  Why do I need energy if I am just going to be in trouble?”

I took a moment and answered.

“Buddy, God made you perfect.  Even with all your energy.  I am sorry I can’t tell you why you have so much energy, but having it is not bad; you just need to learn to control it.  That takes time, and eventually, you will learn”.

“Ok, mommy.  But I am just telling you I don’t like it.”

The rest of the ride was silent, and I thought of how we adults are no different than my son.  We don’t like the feeling of inadequacy or failure either and avoid it at all costs.

But if we know that correction is suitable for our children. Given only to strengthen them, their character, and done out of love. Why do we focus on the negative side of correction when we need to receive it?   It develops our character, strengthens our weaknesses, and our father does it, or allows it out of love. 

Scripture tells us, “The one who follows instruction is on the path to life,

but the one who rejects correction goes astray.” Proverbs 10:17

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be like my children and run from correction.  I want to be the mom that embraces it and models that for them. 

That means it’s time to change our childlike perspective and trust in the process of correction.

We need to follow instructions and be confident in the direction our coach has given us. 

If not, we are in danger of walking down the wrong path. A path of ignorance and self-pride that keeps us in that downward spiral of self-loathing. (not an attractive look)  

It’s better to choose correction and grow from our mistakes than to sit and ignorance and refuse to grow.

Not sure about you, but I want my children to see me walk in obedience and grow from correction rather than have them see me have an adult size tantrum while God drags me through the changes. Let’s lead by example, showing our children how to accept correction and know they are loved.