After 16 years, my husband and I planned a vow renewal at one of our favorite beaches in the Tampa area.

The weather was perfect, and we planned a boat ride around the bay. 

“Make sure you take your jewelry off, babe,” Matt said

“ok, ok..” I responded while packing coolers and applying sunscreen to the children.

In minutes all eight of us were loaded up in the van and on our way to the marina.

The ocean was beautiful, the sun shone, and the kids were happy. Matt navigated the boat through rough waters like a pro, and we all enjoyed our time at sea. Soon we would be getting ready for our vow renewal.

As I imagined what the evening would bring, I glanced down at my hand, and my nightmare was now a reality; my diamond was gone.

Frantic, I grabbed my ears, neck, and other hand to ensure all my other jewelry had their stones. Then, my oldest son, mother, and I scoured the boat, hoping to find my diamond, but nothing.

I walked off that boat in defeat, and with my husband’s words echoing through my head (babe, make sure you take off your jewelry), I showed him what had happened. We reported it to the marina and went on our way. 

I was mad at myself for not remembering to remove my jewelry after Matt had warned me. I was broken that the beautiful engagement ring he worked so hard for was gone. The ring that signified he chose me to be his wife lay somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, and it was my fault. My treasure was gone.

 Matt suggested we use the ring on my left hand for our vow renewal ceremony. With a broken heart, I agreed. Right before we walked down the sandy aisle, Matt looked at me and said, “It will be ok; your ring will get fixed. You still have me. I am right here.” And just like that, my perspective changed.

He was right. I looked at the blessings around me: my children, family, and husband. I am a lucky woman that he would choose to do life with me repeatedly, ring or no ring.

Even though my brain knew his love for me was not attached to the ring, it took losing it to open my eyes. The proof of his passion was not in my ring. It’s in his commitment to love, honor, and provide for me daily. The diamond though precious, was just a symbol to show the world. It was not my treasure; he is, and that love goes deeper than diamonds, even if it lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

There is something to be said about a man who prays for his wife. — About the power of a man that loves the Lord and loves his wife fiercely.

My husband is an amazing man. One day while I was going to have a standard bone biopsy procedure, Matt sent me a text (as he often does). It read: “Hi babe, I am praying for you. I am praying that the procedure will be less painful and that you will be ok. I love you.”

 I smiled at the text and went to the hospital.

When I walked into the room, I was nervous about the amount of pain I would be facing. The  Dr. explained the procedure and the process she uses. She assured me that she would like me to have as little pain as possible. After explaining everything, she asked.

“What kind of music would help you get your mind off what is about to take place.”

 At first, I said it didn’t matter, but the Dr. was insistent. So I made my request, “Kari Jobe, when I am anxious, her music helps me refocus and have peace.”

With worship playing, we got started. 

Peace took over as the music played. The beginning was painful, but the doctor decided to be more generous with lidocaine, successfully numbed the area, and got a biopsy with minor pain.

I laid there thanking God for my husband interceding. I was aww at how God showed up and carried me thru that visit. Not because I did not feel God would be with me, but because my husband was in constant prayer for me. God showed up and showed me that Matt is my covering.

God reminded me that though I walk with an armor of great faith, that does not make me invincible to the pain that comes when fiery arrows penetrate armor. 

With every hit that penetrated this armor, I was left broken and bruised before God and my family. Matt has been covering me in prayer. He was interceding when all I had to offer was tears.

When I think of a man leaving his mother and father and cleaving to his wife, I think of how my husband carries me in prayer in my brokenness, how he speaks life to my dry places and encourages me to get alone with the Lord and sit in his presence. Cleaving to us does not solely mean detaching from “mommy and daddy influences” or being a good provider. But it also means to be that spiritual leader, to cover us and go before us, to stand with us in our weakness. It means while our spouses lead us by keeping their eyes fixed on Jesus and all he is doing. We should be doing the same.

No, husbands are not perfect, but guess what, neither are we. So keep loving them the way God asks of us, keep praying for them, especially in times of trouble, keep serving & respecting them and watch how God uses your husband to be a blessing to you just as you are to them.  

shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

they shall run and not be weary,

they shall walk and not faint.” ~Isa 40:31

This scripture has been a song in my heart for a few months now. The thing that has stuck out to me is the word wait. How can I wait on the Lord? So many people confuse waiting with doing nothing and seeing what happens. As I looked up what it means to “wait,” this is what I read according to Merriam Webster as a verb “to wait” means: “to stay in expectation of.”

Think about that, to wait in expectation of; that means heart filled with hope and prospect that something you’re expecting will happen.

I don’t know about you, but I look forward to date night. With the demands of work, children, and sometimes ministry obligations, my husband and I have learned to make our marriage a priority by carving out date nights every month. But, let’s be honest, it can be easy to neglect our spouses in the day-to-day business of life.

We decided to set our dates in the calendar and honor those days with no excuses to prevent that from happening. 

As those days come, Matt and I get excited in anticipation of our alone time. Most date nights, we run out of the house and decide what to do as we are pulled out of the driveway in a blind fury to escape phone calls and “momtruptions.”

However, other evenings I’ll get a text, “find something nice to wear for our date this week we have reservation” When I get those texts, something in me comes alive. Thoughts relentlessly race through my mind of how I plan to ready myself in such a way that I have my husband’s undivided attention the entire evening.

It will be a memorable evening—something he planned ahead of time just for us. My heart leaps with excitement and anticipation of what is to come.

I shop with excitement and vision, ensuring my ensemble has just the right vibe. My hair should be on point; jewelry is delicate yet enticing. Every time I walk past Matt, my perfume should seduce his senses. Yes, I plan it perfectly and then wait for that evening to arrive.

Why would I go through all that trouble, one may ask? Simple because the chase is fun. A deep desire peaks at the opportunity to entice my husband as if we were newlywed. To see the spark in his eye while we playfully flirt across the dinner table. The sly, mischievous smile screams his desire for me in silence and tender touches that set all nerve endings on high alert.

Evenings like those can be magical, reigniting dry places in a marriage, restoring what busy schedules and demanding children have robbed from you. In one night, you’ve recharged the relationship, and your intimacy burns with life, and through the process, we waited.

If we can wait and meticulously prepare for a romantic evening with our spouse trusting and knowing the outcome will be beautiful. Why do we have a hard time waiting on God in these same dry places we try to hide? The areas we have no control over? (like reservations we knew nothing about but prepared for)

Places of transition, pain, anxiety, or loss. The areas we desperately need answers to while the pressure of life continues to bear down on us, trapping us under the weight of uncertainty. Why do we feel the need not to prepare but to control and take matters into our own hands?

We can say it’s simply fear of the unknown. However, I would say even fear of the unknown stems from the same place, lack of trust.

Jer 29:11 Says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Life is full of both challenges and expectations. We try so hard to achieve greatness in all we do. We want to be great moms, wives, employees, or business owners. The problem is that not all things have straightforward ways to achieve greatness or stability. Babies don’t come with directions on their feet on caring for them and not fail. Being a wife does not come with a handbook on how to combine two different worlds and make them one in perfect unity all the time. Life does not come with a guide on preparing for a loss of a parent or loved one. Yet all these things are a part of our life. We feel like we should have them under control, but when something goes wrong, we are shaken and feel as though we are left sailing through dark waters with no light.

We desperately try to find our way out while angry waves slam against our boat, rocking us from side to side, tossed by confusion and surrounded by options that don’t guarantee us the safety of solid ground. Yet we still fight the storms; we continue to take the wheel in our hand and fight until we are shipwrecked. Then looking around, I wonder why we are there.

 It does not have to be that way. Do we not prepare for the evening when our spouse surprises us with reservations somewhere? Can you imagine how the evening would go if we came out of our room dressed in yoga pants, hair tossed back in what once resembled a ponytail while he was dressed to impress. Can you imagine the look on his face if you said: “ok, let’s go? I decided it would be better to grab a burger and coffee instead. I am not sure ill like where you were heading, so I changed the plans.”

I could be wrong, but I am willing to bet most women would be more than happy to be surprised with a romantic evening out. The thought of taking over his special night or imposing our agenda would never cross our minds. Why? Because our spouse knows us, loves us, wants to draw close to us, and bless and protect us.

So how much more does the Lord? If we can change our perspectives from the problems storming around us to the God that goes before us, we will remember his promises. We may not know all that lies ahead, but He does, and even when things are grim, unstable, uncertain, and scary, if we trust the Lord and wait on him, he will renew our strength; he will give us clarity, direction, and peace because His love for us is more profound than the love of our spouse. All we have to do is trust him and wait.

Have you ever heard someone say, “we will never get married once you tie the knot; your love life is dead.”? I have. I also remember feeling the same way at one time.

One day I looked at my husband from across the house and felt he was a roommate and not my spouse.  I had no idea how it happened or when. But it was like all of a sudden; we woke up strangers.

I remember thinking, “wow, those comments were true. Is this it?”

Marriage is romantic and desirable, a dream, for most women, starting as young as we can remember. 

But the reality is that we are attracted to the romance, intimacy, partnership, and idea of spending life with our lover and best friend.  We are not thinking about their imperfections or trials that we will (not may) face as a couple.  We are not thinking of our shortcomings or idiosyncrasies that will cause turmoil.

Or even the day-to-day grind of working full time while juggling the children’s needs, family, or friends, scheduling in our self-care, and there are also ministry responsibilities in some homes. Yet, somewhere in that schedule, we are supposed to fit the person we choose to spend the rest of our life with. 

How do you keep the spark alive? The big secret is proper care. I knew something had to change when I felt I was married to a stranger. So I cried out to God for help, sought council, and learned something profound and straightforward.

Nothing in life would remain alive without “proper care.” Plants wither and eventually die without water and light; animals won’t survive without food, water, and proper care. Try driving a car without gas or correct maintenance (oil change, breaks, etc.). 

If the things we enjoy or rely on in life need attention to maintain their purpose or function, isn’t it safe to say marriage is the same?  Sometimes a marriage requires a good tune-up, not a tune-out.

Simple changes changed my marriage.  Serving my husband (properly caring like a plant giving him what he needs) with the right heart started changing the dynamic of our marriage, and he began to do the same for me. The more I was available for his needs, the more he was attentive to mine—the spark of romance burst into flames like a wildfire. Marriage is not about our spouse meeting our needs, but how we can meet the needs of each other.  If both parties took that stand, neither side would wither away.  Romance would stay alive.

Matt and I want our children to know what a healthy marriage resembles.  Therefore, we have no problems showing affection, flirting, cuddling, and even sharing a kiss in the privacy of our own home. However, the boys will often say, “UGH… you’re so gross, stop flirting with mom.” we laugh at them and respond, “We can flirt all we want! We’re married and love each other.” Then, in protest, they say, “You’re gross!” Our prayer is they grow up, get married, and properly care for their marriage to one day hear “you’re gross” from the little voices of their children.

For as long as I can remember, those thoughts have plagued us, sometimes even crippled some from moving forward for fear of failure.

If we think about it, the need to succeed goes back to childhood. From childhood and high school sports to academic excellence striving to get into our desired college, or maybe proving ourselves in a trade or climbing the corporate ladder. Whatever dream we had as a child or young adult, we were driven to want success and be great at what we did.

But when did the race to success become the thief that stole our joy?

I watch some athletes struggle with taking a loss in a game for fear of no longer being the best team in a division. Yet, they fight to keep their title as their life depends on it.

The academic student pulls late nights, long hours studying, devoting all their time to the books, refusing to fall below 3.5 GPA for fear they won’t be good enough to get into the college of their choice. 

The corporate person who desires to climb the corporate ladder proving they are competent.  If they get the next promotion, they have succeeded. 

The person in ministry is giving all they have and more selflessly to the church and others. Just maybe if they keep giving, the promotion will happen, and they would have succeeded at being a great leader.

How about the parent.  The single parent struggles to work, pay the bills, and balance quality time while feeling guilty about their lack of time.  Maybe if things were different, they would perceive themselves as successful, loving parents.

Stay-at-home parents who get no break feeling the pressure to maintain the perfect house, obedient kids, and well-cooked meals (after all, you don’t work…right); maybe if we had dinner on the table faster, or our kids were less unruly; we would be “successful” parents. 

My question is, what is the measuring stick that defines success in our lives. Is it money, power, status, is it a title? Is it happiness, peace, or coveted life we see in someone else?

The good thing is there is no wrong answer, just an honest one.  What is it that drives you, and is it bringing you happiness? If not, is it worth your peace of mind?

In the last year and a half after writing my first book, “Interrupted,” I had a lot of time to reflect on this.  In my book, I talk about finding balance in all areas of life and allowing God to meet you in the chaos.  It talks about my journey from ministry to being a stay-at-home mom running a daycare from home.

 What I wanted women everywhere to know in reading the book was they have not failed.

 But how can I portray that when at times, I still feel like I fail daily.

Here is what I learned. 

I am a workaholic and have an unquenchable thirst to excel at EVERYTHING I set out to do. So I worked myself to the bone with no boundaries or regard for the lack of time or energy I had for my own family. Yet, I continued to give the best of me to ministry. 

After taking time off to focus on my family, I realized ministry wasn’t the problem; it was me.  Shortly after opening my home daycare, I quickly fell into the same pattern. I was one of the overdriven workaholics working hard day and night to ensure I provided an excellent curriculum and care for the children I was watching. I would max my capacity and work harder.  Sure the pay was great, but the endless nights and weekends of prep, bookkeeping, assessments, and meal planning began to wear me out. The gym became my place of refuge. As soon as the last child left, I was at the gym.

Meanwhile, my children (who I wanted to be home with) got my short fuse for bothering mommy while she tried to work. 

I wrote my book from a place of mom fails and lessons.  But the biggest one I have learned besides God’s grace is so good.  Is that nothing is worth stealing your peace. 

I placed such a high value on being successful that I never had peace.  Even when I was with my family, I was distracted and never fully present. I was exhausted and unhappy there was always more to do, one more thing for me to check off my list. When would I be able to enjoy life and my children?  Being on edge and frustrated had to stop; I was done crying myself to sleep, feeling guilty for my lack of quality time with my family.  I realized that how others viewed me did not define my success but how I view myself and how God views me. 

My husband asked, “what do you want to do with life? What would make you happy.”

My response was, “Be a good wife, mom, ministry, and write.”

Shortly after that, we closed the doors to the daycare, and I started a new career path as a nutritionist and personal trainer (giving me the ability to help others). This summer was the first summer I have thoroughly enjoyed my family and experienced true peace in a long time.  There is something about the sounds of laughter and bantering filling the yard as the kid splash around in the pool that brings me joy.  Or the breath-taking moment my husband and I had laying on the hammock watching in awe as three hawks continue to call and glide over our heads with such grace.

Our home is filled with more laughter and peace now that I realize what my success is.

My success will be in my legacy, In how I love my children and husband.  It will be in how I show them to walk with God and help others. We all have to work and make a living, but work does not have to rob us of living. We will all have sacrifices to make to get what we want, but it’s about what you are willing to sacrifice for what you want.  I am no longer willing to sacrifice my peace for the dollar or to prove myself to anyone. So, I will keep working on healthy boundaries keeping my peace of mind at the forefront.

 There is nothing like living in the present.  The sounds of laughter that fill your home, the smell of the roses or homemade cookies, the times I get to sit with my spouse in our Adirondack chairs admiring the beauty of the sunset.

To live in the present, you must release the chaos. So, what chaos is it time to release?

In my book Interrupted, I refer to us moms as “super moms, running on super mom strength,” But every super mom needs a home base team to operate out of successfully.   The Avengers have a place; the Incredibles have a place; even spiderman had his “home base.” So, we are no different.

One morning at drop off a daycare parent said to me 

“I don’t know how you do it. You’re a one-woman show…teaching your kids remotely, caring for other people’s kids, helping care for an elderly parent, staying fit, and writing your books.  How do you do it all?”

 I never thought of it before that day.  But the answer is simple.  I have a solid home base.  

I can do what I do thanks to God, my super-secret elixir (coffee), and the support of my incredible husband. It’s the trifecta of my powerplay, and without it, my incredible mommy skills would fail.  No matter how much I can accomplish in a day, I do better when it’s an all-team play. 

God keeps me grounded and fills me daily, coffee keeps me motivated on my lack of sleep, and my incredible husband Matt reminds me that I need to fill my cup before I pour it out. 

Although Matt works two jobs, he still finds a way to show his love to me by helping me in the home.  Nothing says I love you like serving each other. We both have full schedules, work hard both in and out of the house, and appreciate each other for what we do. For these reasons, both of us make it a point to try and make the other person’s day a little easier. 

Being married just about fifteen-year Matt has picked up some tall tale signs of when mom needs a break.  When he sees those warning signs, he is quick to intervene and spare the family a mom-size freak-out resulting from lack of rest.

Matt simply kicks me out of the house and assures me, “I’ve got the kids and house” He encourages me to go to the gym, read a book, have coffee with a friend, or do nothing. He doesn’t care what I do as long as I return home rested with a smile on my face. 

His help allows me to regroup, refocus, and refresh by stepping away and fully resting.

Rest days are essential to maintaining sanity and balance.  If we regularly serve others, including our family, we need to make sure we are well-rested; if not, we are of no use to anyone else.  Whether your spouse can give you a break or you need to get a sitter for the kiddos, make sure you are taking care of yourself first, mamas. Then you can continue to pour into everyone else.

As a result of my pain, I swore I would never get divorced or have a broken home. I held on to the fantasy that you could have a happily ever after.  That marriage could be forever, and I would find out how. 

At age twenty, I became a single mother failing at the promise I made myself of not having a broken home but was thankful for God’s grace. During that season, I could see marriage from a very different perspective. I watched in awe of the banter and love I frequently saw between my ex-in-laws. I remember wondering, “what is the secret to such a successful marriage?” How were they so happy and in love. It made no sense to me.  They have six children, demanding jobs, and yet anytime I saw them, they showed an ungodly amount of love for each other.  

If they disagreed, there was a look and a tone given that usually ended them going somewhere private to work it out and come back like nothing ever happened. I thought marriage like that was a fairytale; however, I saw how real it was.  That was the type of marriage I wanted. And I wanted to know the secret. I am glad to say this inspiring couple is still happily married and as cute as ever after forty-four years.  I also learned the secret that kept their marriage and will continue to keep their marriage.

Ephesians 4:2-3 states:

 ^“with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Now I know this scripture is for unity in the church body.  But we can apply it in marriage as well. When you say, “I do,” It’s no longer about you but about serving and loving each other.  That means we need to show each other a level of humility, respect, patience, and of course, love. The same way God loves us.  Will we fail? Sure, we will have bad days.  We may lose our temper or not be so loving or respectful to our spouse.  However, this is where humility comes in.  We need to make it a priority to go to each other and forgive each other for shortcomings and work things out. A solid, successful marriage is built, tried, and tested. The building takes time and patience but, in the end, worth all the sacrifice.