#love – IN/EX Women

Lost Treasure

jwhitley527 — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 23:30:00 +0000

When you inherit something from a loved one that has passed or are given something of value from a person you love, that item becomes an irreplaceable treasure. Of course, we guard that treasure with our hearts, and it holds significant meaning in our lives. But we need to be careful not to attach the love for an individual to a treasure that can be lost.

After 16 years, my husband and I planned a vow renewal at one of our favorite beaches in the Tampa area.

The weather was perfect, and we planned a boat ride around the bay.

“Make sure you take your jewelry off, babe,” Matt said

“ok, ok..” I responded while packing coolers and applying sunscreen to the children.

In minutes all eight of us were loaded up in the van and on our way to the marina.

The ocean was beautiful, the sun shone, and the kids were happy. Matt navigated the boat through rough waters like a pro, and we all enjoyed our time at sea. Soon we would be getting ready for our vow renewal.

As I imagined what the evening would bring, I glanced down at my hand, and my nightmare was now a reality; my diamond was gone.

Frantic, I grabbed my ears, neck, and other hand to ensure all my other jewelry had their stones. Then, my oldest son, mother, and I scoured the boat, hoping to find my diamond, but nothing.

I walked off that boat in defeat, and with my husband’s words echoing through my head (babe, make sure you take off your jewelry), I showed him what had happened. We reported it to the marina and went on our way.

I was mad at myself for not remembering to remove my jewelry after Matt had warned me. I was broken that the beautiful engagement ring he worked so hard for was gone. The ring that signified he chose me to be his wife lay somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, and it was my fault. My treasure was gone.

Matt suggested we use the ring on my left hand for our vow renewal ceremony. With a broken heart, I agreed. Right before we walked down the sandy aisle, Matt looked at me and said, “It will be ok; your ring will get fixed. You still have me. I am right here.” And just like that, my perspective changed.

He was right. I looked at the blessings around me: my children, family, and husband. I am a lucky woman that he would choose to do life with me repeatedly, ring or no ring.

Even though my brain knew his love for me was not attached to the ring, it took losing it to open my eyes. The proof of his passion was not in my ring. It’s in his commitment to love, honor, and provide for me daily. The diamond though precious, was just a symbol to show the world. It was not my treasure; he is, and that love goes deeper than diamonds, even if it lies at the bottom of the ocean.

Mom your Perfect

jwhitley527 — Tue, 26 Jul 2022 23:30:00 +0000

One morning I decided to videotape myself doing abdominal exercises. I stood in front of my phone and lifted my shirt, exposing my overstretched stomach. The disgust on my face must have been evident while I contracted my core and muscles and released. I continued to tape to see how long I could hold each contraction. When my son says from the kitchen, “mommy, why are you trying to change how God made you?”

Surprised at his comment, I shut off the camera and said, “I am just exercising, bud, not changing myself.”

Spencer looks at me and says, “Why are you unhappy? If God made you perfect, why are you trying to change how he made you.”

“Bud, God did not make me fat. I did that all myself, so I need to change that too.”

“Mom, your still perfect,” and he walks away.

Sometimes we must be reminded that how we see ourselves is not how God sees us. We are his perfect creation with our flaws and all.

She’s Not Perfect

jwhitley527 — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 14:30:00 +0000

She’s not perfect. She will fall, fail, cry, and get frustrated.

She’s not perfect. She will make mistakes and doubt her abilities.

She’s not perfect. Though she seems to have it all together.

She’s not perfect. So stop comparing your life to hers.

The difference between failing and failure is that when we fail at something, we try and did not succeed. Failure means we accepted failing and gave up.

Motherhood has no room for failures. We all fall short, so learn from the shortcomings and grow from them. In every “failure,” there is an opportunity to grow and show.

Grow from the mistake and show your children how to come back and succeed.

Show your children you are not perfect but will consistently love them, challenge them and grow them.

Show your children perseverance instead of trying to be someone else’s ideal.

Focus on the woman God created you to be because she is not perfect.

Breaking Walls

jwhitley527 — Tue, 24 May 2022 14:03:00 +0000

^“Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your “yes” mean “yes,” and your “no” mean “no,” so that you won’t fall under judgment.”- James 5:12

Have you ever heard someone complaining about their workload because they took on extra work in the office? Or maybe complain because they offered to watch someone’s kids for a few hours when they did not want to. If you asked them why they offered to do something they didn’t want to do, the answer is usually one of these two “They needed my help, and I didn’t want to let them down.” Or “they had none else to do it.” Both answers are equally as wrong. If they said no, the person asking would find someone else, and if not, they would have to do it themselves or face the consequence. But instead, they find someone willing to save the day for them and overextend their calendars.

This is a classic sign of unestablished boundaries. If we don’t want to feel taken advantage of or judged for grumbling and complaining, let our yes be yes and no be no. Setting boundaries protect us from being taken advantage of, establishes respect, and prevents unnecessary stress or anxiety.

Living with healthy boundaries means we won’t compromise our values for someone else’s. Instead, we understand and apply safeguard on what we value most and respect others the same. Healthy boundaries also mean we are not afraid to say “no” when necessary, nor get offended if another tells us no.

However, there is a flip side. Our boundaries can also become walls. Do you know the difference?

When we hide behind walls under the illusion of boundaries, it may look like this

“I’m just a private person” while we avoid building new relationships. “sorry, it’s been a while since we have connected; I’ve just been busy.” As we keep a safe distance from too many “friends .” We build walls of isolation, refusing to ask for help and maintaining a safe distance to prevent rejection. After a while, we realize that we have created a fortress of excuses to keep ourselves from being hurt.

In our attempt to protect ourselves, We have hardened our hearts, fractured our spirits, and become lonely or bitter, wondering if we matter to anyone. We can often replay past hurts and justify our “boundaries,” but it all stems from pain and unforgiveness when we get to the root. One of the hardest things we must do is practice regular forgiveness. The Bible tells us to love our neighbor, and if we are hiding behind walls, we can’t do that. Nor did we ever forgive them for past hurts, leaving us captive to past pains and bitter hearts.

The good news is that no matter how big our walls are, God is with us. He is only a whisper away, waiting to take the walls down. However, that requires us to trust the Lord.

Ezekiel 36:26 states, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

Suppose you are tired of living behind walls; it’s time to invite God into those broken places and let him restore your heart. It’s time to take a chance with people and practice healthy boundaries but be ready to forgive should someone cross the line (and they will).

Establishing healthy boundaries and trusting God will make things right when we’ve been wronged and allow us to live freely

Say It

jwhitley527 — Tue, 03 May 2022 13:41:00 +0000

Growing up, I had a fiery temper and a short fuse, and because I often spoke before thinking things through, I would cause a lot of conflicts or hurt. However, I was quick to defend my position no matter the cost and never back down.

My mother would say, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.”

But I was stubborn, feisty, and opinionated, so I was quick with the tongue lashing if I felt threatened. Then, as I got older, if my friends reminded me (if they thought I was too harsh). “Julie, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.

I realized that maybe my perspective was not always proper or valued the same way I felt it should be. So to maintain friendships and stay out of trouble, I exercised biting my tongue (even if I thought I was wronged).

I became good at keeping the peace (when I wanted to), smiling, and nodding at family functions, school, and the workplace. Just get through the day and process it out later in the safety of my home. It would be okay if no one fell victim to my fiery arrows. I became so good at biting my tongue and complying that I was surprised that it failed to work in my marriage. Instead, it does the exact opposite. It breeds resentment and division.

Communication is critical in any healthy relationship, even more so in a marriage. So when conflict arises, and we stay silent, we speak volumes to our spouse without words.

We simply say we don’t care to deal with the problem. That may not be true, but no response is still a response; it’s rejection.

It is better to let the cat out of the bag and deal with the disaster it causes than stay silent and try to fix the division and assumptions caused by lack of communication.

Our marriages won’t always be perfect, but how we communicate matters. Communication brings us to understanding, and understanding brings us closer together. Even the most painful conversations can end in growth if we seek to understand.

So the next time, you feel like shutting down and staying silent. Don’t just say it, and work it out one day at a time.

Cats Play

jwhitley527 — Tue, 19 Apr 2022 15:10:00 +0000

After being married for 15 years, my husband and I took our first-weekend getaway alone! It was the most fantastic time we have ever had. We laughed, explored, loved, and learned new things about each other. It was a time of reconnecting and well needed.

That weekend showed us how much we had neglected ourselves as a couple without intention. So we vowed to make weekenders a regular investment.

If you have not had a weekend alone with the hubby, find a trusted sitter and take the plunge. Invest in your intimacy; there is nothing like rekindling a fire and watching it burn.

Weekenders: Need to plan and save.

Somewhere warm, NOT close to home (we went to St Pete’s Beach and did all the things)
Camping (if you like the woods)
Local – weekend honeymoon sweet room service and relaxation

Day Trips: Send Kids away for the weekend

Spend the day hiking
Go to a show and dinner
Get a couples massage and movie night
Explore new areas, new towns… somewhere you have not been

No matter which way you choose to spend the time. The key is to send the mice away so the cats can play. Enjoy each other with no distractions.

Trust in All Season

jwhitley527 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 15:13:00 +0000

Grieving is a painful and personal process. It is not like baking a cake; there is no time frame in which to expect your “done” and “over it” (regardless of what well-intended friends may think or say.)

The day my father passed, something inside me snapped. All colors faded from my life. The breath from my lungs had vanished, and I was left feeling empty, hollow, like a piece of me died with him.

I remember the social worker explaining there were seven stages of grief:

Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
Pain and guilt (I spent most days here)
Anger and bargaining (and here)
Depression (and Here)
The upward turn
Reconstruction and working through
Acceptance and hope

My emotions were all over the place. On any given day, I felt like I could snap. Some days are worse than others. I knew my father was in heaven; he was a godly man. So, when people would encourage me in truth and love, I would instantly go to stage 3. Angry that the world could still turn though he is gone. Expect me to move on like just another day, but for me, it wasn’t.

And that’s was ok. Why? Because scripture says:

“To everything, there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal;

A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;”– Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (NKJV)

Mourning is natural, and yes, even as believers, we can be in tremendous amounts of grief and pain. That doesn’t mean we lack faith. However, it means we are hurt and broken, and in that brokenness, we need God the most.

I miss my father terribly, but I chose to hope at the end of my brokenness. The hope that my father in heaven would heal my broken heart and make me whole. And that the hand of God continues to guide me through the healing process. And though it has not been easy, my heart heals a little more each day.

If you are in a place of grieving, place your hope and trust In the Lord. Allow Him to carry you through the process. Know that people are praying for you, and you’re not alone. In time healing will begin.

Present over Busy

jwhitley527 — Sat, 12 Mar 2022 14:55:00 +0000

“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,” – James 1:19 (CSB)

I will be the first to admit it is super hard to listen and not shout or get angry when you are on the phone, and the kids start fighting or asking you fifty questions. The last thing I want to do after a long day is listen to the kids bickering while playing referee when I have a few things to finish up.

Just one more text, one more call. Hold on; I must send this one last e-mail to join you. Oh, wait, the laundry needs to get folded, diner needs to be served, and kitchen cleaned. After that, I’ll sit with you.

Let’s be honest, ladies, our “to do” list is NEVER done. We are racing against the clock day in and day out, trying to be “the best mom.” We want to achieve greatness by accomplishing our goals and executing our to-do list. The problem is there is always one more thing. That list is never finished.

Welcome to motherhood. Officially the only job that is never-ending. The bible says

“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,” – James 1:19 (CSB)

I find that a challenge if we are forever busy. But, if we continue to burn the candle at both ends, we will always respond from a place of stress and frustration. We will miss what our children say to us for not being present. We will be quick with our tongue and feel bad later once they’re in bed. And more often than not, our frustrations will make us short-fused.

Yes, the demands of motherhood are great but so are the blessings; we need to choose to be present over busy to see it. The sound of laughter filling our home, an accomplished smile when they achieve something great—being there to comfort them when they are afraid or have a coffee while watching them play.

It’s the simple things that pass us by when we choose that “one more thing,” like a little story or a random kiss. Those are moments we don’t get back. Yes, we all have a “to-do” list, but some days we need to learn to let go of the busy. Unplug, unwind and be present. Those are moments they will remember forever (and so will we)

Be Kind

jwhitley527 — Mon, 07 Feb 2022 14:52:00 +0000

Being a wife and a mom has its challenges, but the truth is we are our own worst enemy. We have set a “perfect mom” bar of expectation that is impossible to attain.

How many of us have ever said this at the end of a long and frustrating day?

“Ugh, I failed again… it was takeout for dinner again because I have no time to cook, I lost my temper with my kids, took my frustration out on my husband, barely had the energy to help my friends or family; why can’t I be better?”

I am so guilty of this at times. But where does the desire to be “better mothers” come from? Are we comparing our lives to someone else’s that appears better in public? Are we comparing ourselves to the pains of our past, hoping we don’t make the same mistakes our parents had that caused us pain? Either way, we need to remember we are not perfect. We will fall short, but what we do in those moments matters. If we want to fall short less, we need to remember that love is kind.

This week’s challenge is to love ourselves as much as we love others. Take the time to rejuvenate and refresh. Go to the gym, out for coffee, paint night, or read in peace. Whatever recharges your battery, carve out the time to do it consistently. This way, you are a little less short because you have filled your cup. Now you will have the energy and mental capacity to pour into others.

Being kind to yourself is not neglecting your children but showing them that you love them enough to give them your best, which means mommy needs to fuel herself to prevent mommy burnout.

Also, remember we are not perfect and will have days where our family gets our ugly side. Yup, you will lose your cool and fall short. But how you handle it matters. This February, remember Love is KIND. Own your shortcomings, ask for forgiveness, & let it go. Take a moment to hold them close, tell them you love them, and breathe.

Remove the “perfect mom” bar of expectation and set the bar of grace. It’s not easy to be kind to ourselves, but we can show our families the different dimensions of love with a bit of practice.

Keep Moving

jwhitley527 — Tue, 18 Jan 2022 08:00:00 +0000

The light in my eyes dimed that cold November night as I heard the Doctor say

“There is nothing more we can do to help your father, Mrs. Whitley. The truth is we need to consider hospice. Do you know how your father wishes to live out the remaining time of his life?”

A knot slowly forms in my throat. I swallowed it back, took a breath, and responded, “home” the sound of defeat echoed in my head.

“I understand this is a hard decision, Mrs. Whitley. I can set up palliative care to help your family through this process.”

As I fought back tears, I thanked the Dr. for his time.

That night I felt my world unravel, my heart began to crack, and my life would soon change.

I cried to my husband,

“I can’t do this… I can’t bring dad home and watch him die. Our kids will lose their grandfather; it will break them. I am not strong enough for this.”

He listened to me cry, and he encouraged me that we would be ok. Then, desperate for answers, I reached out to a friend who works in hospice. I explained to her what the Dr had said and how I felt.

“Julie,” She began, “this is not about you or the family anymore. This is about dad and how you guys can help him. You are strong enough, and you will do this. I know it may not feel it now, but this is the greatest gift you can give him.”

I went to sleep and woke up with renewed strength and peace. God shifted my perspective, and I felt ready for what was to come.

Over the next few weeks, my life was put on hold as I watched my father’s life slip away little by little each day. I wish I could say that it felt like a blessing, but it was the hardest thing I had ever done. Day in and out, I would hold his hand and sing worship. My mother and sister would help me with his care round the clock, making sure he was comfortable. I treasured the moments I sat holding his hand, telling him how much he meant to me, reminding him that I was still his little girl even at this moment. Most nights, I would look at my father’s weak hand resting in mine and remember when he had strong hands that kept me safe. Now my hands are the ones that bring him comfort.

The whole process was overwhelming. Filled with waves of emotion from anxiety to sorrow,

But I was not alone.

God was with me every step of the way. He was the source of my strength and peace. In my tears, he was my comforter; in my pain, he was my peacemaker; in sorrow, he filled me with joy (yes, even in the darkness). God sustained me. As pain permeated my home at his passing, God kept me standing.

Sometimes life does not go as we planned. We can be on the verge of something big, a promotion, book launch, graduation day, or business launch, and something stops us right in our tracks.

It can be from something as simple as life’s minor interruptions to something more devastating, like a bad health report of the death of a loved one. But, unfortunately, those interruptions are more like showstoppers. They can paralyze us all together and shatter both our will and spirit.

But we have a choice to make at this time. We can choose to let God speak and move in our interruption or stay stuck in our pain, allowing everything to stop in our lives.

Right before King David died, he looked at his son Solomon (who he had just made king) and said

“As for me, I am going the way of all of the earth. Be strong and be a man, and keep your obligations to the Lord your God to walk in his ways and to keep his statutes, ordinances, and decrees. This is written in the law of Moses, So you have success in everything you do and where ever you turn.” 1 Kings 2:2-3 (CSB)

When I read this chapter, I felt like my father had reached down from the heavens and had given me direction. David encouraged his son even as he was dying.

When you are staring in the face of your dying parent, there is brokenness like no other. Loneliness sets in deep in your soul; there is an emptiness that fills the place where your heartbeats, and though your outward man looks strong, your inward man is fragile.

David told Solomon to be strong, be a man, follow the ways of the Lord.

In other words, he could see the pain in his eyes; he knew what his son would face. Likewise, David knew what facing death and loss felt like. So he encouraged him to stay the course and be a good man, a man that would draw his strength, wisdom, and direction from God.

A man won’t fall apart and leave his kingdom for ruins. But he will lead it with pride and conviction as God leads him.

Losing my father was and at times still is a grieving I can’t explain. Nothing fills that space or loss; accept the love and promise of God.

Reading about David and Solomon was a beautiful moment. A moment of promise and hope. A moment of love and encouragement. The words charged thru me like fire.

Ladies in your brokenness, be strong, be a woman, follow the ways of the Lord. Don’t stop in pain and let go of all God has placed in your hands. Keep your head up and allow God to grow you in pain. Day to day, moment to moment, as we follow him, he will continue to restore our souls and anything stolen from us. Let’s walk like Solomon.

After David passed, Solomon continued to obey what his father had asked. He led with authority, conviction, and wisdom. Solomon’s kingdom was established under him because of his obedience. It happened thru pain. Sometimes the pain is congruent with our blessing. So when we are amid great distress or trials, Keep our eyes on the Lord (even if they are filled with tears). Dig into his word. Position your heart in a posture of worship. And finally, trust God with every fiber of your being.