“No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” ~Hebrews 12:11 CSB

I have four boys, and all of them were diagnosed with ADHD. Before their diagnosis and putting them on a low dose medication correction was a constant thing in my home. You would often hear these word echo thru my house,

“Full body listening, keep your hands off your brother, eyes on me, when do we listen, or finally you guys have too much energy; you need to work on your self-control,” 

It made for very long, emotionally exhausting days, Especially for them.  They often felt defeated, or they failed because of their lack of self-control and constant discipline. 

At times I would also go to bed feeling the same.  

“Have I failed my children? Do I make them unhappy? I wish I did not have to correct them so much.  I just want them to feel loved.”

After battling my insecurities, I gave myself a pep talk. I decided that if I plan on successfully teaching my kids to understand correction, I needed to change my perspective and model it.

 The scripture says: “it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 

Well, if correction is like training, it’s safe to say God is our coach. He will lead us to grow when we have become complacent or too confident in our abilities that we feel we no longer need coaching.

Character building is like training your body to compete athletically. It is painful, exhausting at times, and it takes commitment to better yourself.  If you don’t have the discipline to see past the present discomfort, you will not reap the benefits of future results. So, yes, at times, we will face the uncomfortable truths of correction. No matter how painful it may be, how we view and respond to these situations matter.

One rainy day I was driving with my youngest son John to pick up one of my other sons from a friend’s house. John had some concerns he needed to address, and I guess a rainy car ride was just the place.

“Mom, I wish I did not have lots of energy. I hate it.  Why do I have to have so much energy?”

Imagine the thoughts racing through my head while I know the answer to the question I was about to ask.

“John, why do you hate it? What’s wrong with having lots of energy?” 

Peeking at him through the rearview mirror, I see him staring out the side window, deep in thought.

“I always get yelled at, mom.  It makes me sad.  Why do I need energy if I am just going to be in trouble?”

I took a moment and answered.

“Buddy, God made you perfect.  Even with all your energy.  I am sorry I can’t tell you why you have so much energy, but having it is not bad; you just need to learn to control it.  That takes time, and eventually, you will learn”.

“Ok, mommy.  But I am just telling you I don’t like it.”

The rest of the ride was silent, and I thought of how we adults are no different than my son.  We don’t like the feeling of inadequacy or failure either and avoid it at all costs.

But if we know that correction is suitable for our children. Given only to strengthen them, their character, and done out of love. Why do we focus on the negative side of correction when we need to receive it?   It develops our character, strengthens our weaknesses, and our father does it, or allows it out of love. 

Scripture tells us, “The one who follows instruction is on the path to life,

but the one who rejects correction goes astray.” Proverbs 10:17

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be like my children and run from correction.  I want to be the mom that embraces it and models that for them. 

That means it’s time to change our childlike perspective and trust in the process of correction.

We need to follow instructions and be confident in the direction our coach has given us. 

If not, we are in danger of walking down the wrong path. A path of ignorance and self-pride that keeps us in that downward spiral of self-loathing. (not an attractive look)  

It’s better to choose correction and grow from our mistakes than to sit and ignorance and refuse to grow.

Not sure about you, but I want my children to see me walk in obedience and grow from correction rather than have them see me have an adult size tantrum while God drags me through the changes. Let’s lead by example, showing our children how to accept correction and know they are loved.

Insecurities come in many different forms.  But the bottom line is that it is a deep-rooted fear we have whether rational or irrational it hinders our ability to see a circumstance Infront of us clearly. We see that circumstance through the lenses of fear.

This is especially true in marriage. In marriage we are vulnerable to the person we said I do to.  They know all the good, bad, and ugly about us. We feel safe, loved, adored, and I’m sure at times irritated and annoyed with our spouse. But the bottom line is when we said “I do” It was forever.  That means through good, bad, perfect and imperfect times.

A few months ago, my husband Matt revealed to me that he was struggling with my recent weightless changes.  He loved my newfound confidence, and wardrobe and body changes.  However, he could not get past the fact other men would also notice me. It bothered him…a lot. I assured him that I only had eyes for him.  I never gave him reason to believe otherwise however, felt I needed to prove my loyalty.  This caused a lot of tension. Finally, he said to me “this is something I need to get over…It’s not you, it’s me and my insecurities”.

“About time he sees it” I thought.  Yet my heart was unsettled

Over lunch I brought the concerns up to my mom and as usual wisdom was shared.

“Julie, as you continue to better yourself, picking-up new hobbies your circle will change.  You begin to change… (not always bad) but what you enjoy will change.  His circle has not changed so how he feels is valid. He does not want to lose you because he no longer feels he knows you.”

I left lunch with new eyes.  I didn’t want to feed the fear that was brewing in my husband’s heart. In order for us to grow old together we need to grow together. Driving home I asked God what that looked like for us. Before I even made it to my driveway, I had the answer. Make him part of my circle.

Later that evening over dinner I said. 

“babe. would you be interested in going to the gym with me?” Shocked at the question he asked why. 

My response

“I want you to be a part of my circle.  I don’t want us to grow apart because I didn’t include you in my interest.  If you don’t want to, it’s ok.  I just want you to know you have the option to share in my interest. I never want you to feel like I prefer to do life without you.”

That was it.  That was the start of killing the insecurities.  Simply being willing to listen, communicate, understand, and grow together can only cause you to become closer and not divided. 

My challenge to you is share your insecurities with your spouse. If you don’t have any, ask your spouse if they are struggling with any insecurities? Be ready for the answer…Listen without judgement, try to understand, talk it out, seek God’s face, and take action toward the solution. Your marriage can only grow stronger as you grow together.