Growing up, I had a fiery temper and a short fuse, and because I often spoke before thinking things through, I would cause a lot of conflicts or hurt. However, I was quick to defend my position no matter the cost and never back down.

My mother would say, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.”

But I was stubborn, feisty, and opinionated, so I was quick with the tongue lashing if I felt threatened. Then, as I got older, if my friends reminded me (if they thought I was too harsh). “Julie, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.

I realized that maybe my perspective was not always proper or valued the same way I felt it should be. So to maintain friendships and stay out of trouble, I exercised biting my tongue (even if I thought I was wronged).

I became good at keeping the peace (when I wanted to), smiling, and nodding at family functions, school, and the workplace. Just get through the day and process it out later in the safety of my home. It would be okay if no one fell victim to my fiery arrows. I became so good at biting my tongue and complying that I was surprised that it failed to work in my marriage. Instead, it does the exact opposite. It breeds resentment and division.

Communication is critical in any healthy relationship, even more so in a marriage. So when conflict arises, and we stay silent, we speak volumes to our spouse without words.

We simply say we don’t care to deal with the problem. That may not be true, but no response is still a response; it’s rejection.

It is better to let the cat out of the bag and deal with the disaster it causes than stay silent and try to fix the division and assumptions caused by lack of communication. 

Our marriages won’t always be perfect, but how we communicate matters. Communication brings us to understanding, and understanding brings us closer together. Even the most painful conversations can end in growth if we seek to understand.

So the next time, you feel like shutting down and staying silent. Don’t just say it, and work it out one day at a time.