Driven by love, dreams, and possibilities, we reached for the stars.

But then something happened (rather, a series of things) that began to change our life and view of the world; the world we once saw as beautiful was slowly being skewed with shreds of doubt and fear in our once unmarred hearts.

            Was it late-night shouting we heard while silently crying under the covers as mom and dad “worked out” (through angry shouts) whatever it was that was worth dishes clashing, doors slamming, and mother crying? (Most of the time, bills)

Was it the screaming and grounding for another grade that didn’t meet their expectations, driving us to become numb to our dreams while striving for their affirmation?

Was it the boy that hurt you when you trusted him? The poison of his toxic touch haunts us in our dreams, forever breading constant fear and paralyzing us in shame.

Was it the death of a friend or family that left us broken? With their passing, a piece of us died too. 

Or maybe abuse from an alcoholic father or absent mother—rejection of lover, parent, or siblings. 

            Our hearts darken with each tragic experience, so we take a silent oath never to do that, be that, or allow that for our children. Instead, we tell ourselves, “we will do better, be better, and love deeper.” Our once beautiful world of possibilities and dreams lies before us in a series of greys with a small glimpse of light shattered by our pains.

            Hiding the pain of our past to create a better future has done nothing but oppress us and pass on our toxic view of the world to the next generation. It has caused false stability and strength that reveals itself when things become challenging. But it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t need to hide behind the safety of our own four walls and cry at night with feelings of rejection, sorrow, and failure weighing on our hearts.

            I am over it. I am over watching generations of women lay crippled by anxiety, fear, depression, and feelings of failure due to past pains that have haunted us for generations.

It’s time to slay the monsters inside.

If we look closely at some trials we have faced, unexpected and unresolved pains have appeared in its presence. They show their ugly face at our most vulnerable times. When those undealt with problems, pains, or trauma decide to make an appearance, that is our opportunity to slay those hidden monsters. They continue appearing for a reason and will continue to do so until they are dealt with.

How do we deal with such pains that have been buried for years or even decades? It is the time to shout out to the Lord, ask him to restore those broken places, and trust that he will make us whole.             

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”

– 1^st Peter 5:10

Have we suffered? Sure. Will we suffer again? It’s possible. But so is restoration. To be restored, we must be willing to walk through the pain of our past and trust God through the process. We must be willing to give him those hidden parts of our life as they emerge from the darkness and deal with them head-on. This means those wounds will be reopened, raw and new. Will it be painful? Of course, but we are not alone. Reach out to a trusted mentor, pastoral team, and counselors. God will pave the way to healing; In our weakness, HE is strong. He will carry us, and healing will take place, making us whole again.

Then we will once again see possibilities and beauty in a broken world.

The woman with the issue of blood thought, “if I could touch his robe.” Mark 5:28

These two stories have one thing in common. Both hid from the Lord in shame. One naked and the other unclean.

Shame can be triggered by failure or inadequacy, as well as guilt. It is a powerful emotion that, if not dealt with, keeps us in a place of self-isolation or hiding. It becomes the way we either punish ourselves for our mistakes or feel we “protect” ourselves from the judgment of others.

For example, you are trying to quit smoking. However, you cave and buy a pack of cigarettes on a particularly stressful day. Instantly you feel guilty. Your mind races with all the people “you have failed,” from God to friends. You will wash your hands, spray perfume, and hide the smell, so no one finds out. Then tell yourself it was only one time and “they wouldn’t understand it won’t happen again.”(hiding)

If God does not condemn or shame us, why do we do it to ourselves or others? 

There is no freedom in shame. There is no growth in self-condemnation or shaming others. It’s an unhealthy tactic that leaves us isolated and broken.

Scripture says, “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the lord,” and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” Psalm 32:5

Something powerful happens when we admit our faults, we experience freedom from guilt that causes us to live in a place of shame. God is a God of grace, mercy, and love. Not one of shame and unforgiveness. So next time you feel you failed and are too ashamed to show face. Ask the Lord to lead you and guide your steps as you overcome the bondage of shame. 

After 16 years, my husband and I planned a vow renewal at one of our favorite beaches in the Tampa area.

The weather was perfect, and we planned a boat ride around the bay. 

“Make sure you take your jewelry off, babe,” Matt said

“ok, ok..” I responded while packing coolers and applying sunscreen to the children.

In minutes all eight of us were loaded up in the van and on our way to the marina.

The ocean was beautiful, the sun shone, and the kids were happy. Matt navigated the boat through rough waters like a pro, and we all enjoyed our time at sea. Soon we would be getting ready for our vow renewal.

As I imagined what the evening would bring, I glanced down at my hand, and my nightmare was now a reality; my diamond was gone.

Frantic, I grabbed my ears, neck, and other hand to ensure all my other jewelry had their stones. Then, my oldest son, mother, and I scoured the boat, hoping to find my diamond, but nothing.

I walked off that boat in defeat, and with my husband’s words echoing through my head (babe, make sure you take off your jewelry), I showed him what had happened. We reported it to the marina and went on our way. 

I was mad at myself for not remembering to remove my jewelry after Matt had warned me. I was broken that the beautiful engagement ring he worked so hard for was gone. The ring that signified he chose me to be his wife lay somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, and it was my fault. My treasure was gone.

 Matt suggested we use the ring on my left hand for our vow renewal ceremony. With a broken heart, I agreed. Right before we walked down the sandy aisle, Matt looked at me and said, “It will be ok; your ring will get fixed. You still have me. I am right here.” And just like that, my perspective changed.

He was right. I looked at the blessings around me: my children, family, and husband. I am a lucky woman that he would choose to do life with me repeatedly, ring or no ring.

Even though my brain knew his love for me was not attached to the ring, it took losing it to open my eyes. The proof of his passion was not in my ring. It’s in his commitment to love, honor, and provide for me daily. The diamond though precious, was just a symbol to show the world. It was not my treasure; he is, and that love goes deeper than diamonds, even if it lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

Surprised at his comment, I shut off the camera and said, “I am just exercising, bud, not changing myself.”

Spencer looks at me and says, “Why are you unhappy? If God made you perfect, why are you trying to change how he made you.”

“Bud, God did not make me fat. I did that all myself, so I need to change that too.”

“Mom, your still perfect,” and he walks away. 

Sometimes we must be reminded that how we see ourselves is not how God sees us. We are his perfect creation with our flaws and all. 

Solution– Don’t try to make too many changes to your diet at once. Instead, make small manageable changes that, if consistently applied, build new habits. Once you have mastered that, choose the next thing you wish to change. Smaller changes over time lead to more significant successes because it is easier to adhere to.

^“Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your “yes” mean “yes,” and your “no” mean “no,” so that you won’t fall under judgment.”- James 5:12

Have you ever heard someone complaining about their workload because they took on extra work in the office? Or maybe complain because they offered to watch someone’s kids for a few hours when they did not want to. If you asked them why they offered to do something they didn’t want to do, the answer is usually one of these two “They needed my help, and I didn’t want to let them down.” Or “they had none else to do it.” Both answers are equally as wrong. If they said no, the person asking would find someone else, and if not, they would have to do it themselves or face the consequence. But instead, they find someone willing to save the day for them and overextend their calendars.

This is a classic sign of unestablished boundaries. If we don’t want to feel taken advantage of or judged for grumbling and complaining, let our yes be yes and no be no. Setting boundaries protect us from being taken advantage of, establishes respect, and prevents unnecessary stress or anxiety. 

            Living with healthy boundaries means we won’t compromise our values for someone else’s. Instead, we understand and apply safeguard on what we value most and respect others the same. Healthy boundaries also mean we are not afraid to say “no” when necessary, nor get offended if another tells us no.

However, there is a flip side. Our boundaries can also become walls. Do you know the difference?

When we hide behind walls under the illusion of boundaries, it may look like this

“I’m just a private person” while we avoid building new relationships. “sorry, it’s been a while since we have connected; I’ve just been busy.” As we keep a safe distance from too many “friends .” We build walls of isolation, refusing to ask for help and maintaining a safe distance to prevent rejection. After a while, we realize that we have created a fortress of excuses to keep ourselves from being hurt. 

In our attempt to protect ourselves, We have hardened our hearts, fractured our spirits, and become lonely or bitter, wondering if we matter to anyone. We can often replay past hurts and justify our “boundaries,” but it all stems from pain and unforgiveness when we get to the root. One of the hardest things we must do is practice regular forgiveness. The Bible tells us to love our neighbor, and if we are hiding behind walls, we can’t do that. Nor did we ever forgive them for past hurts, leaving us captive to past pains and bitter hearts.

The good news is that no matter how big our walls are, God is with us. He is only a whisper away, waiting to take the walls down. However, that requires us to trust the Lord.

 Ezekiel 36:26  states, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

Suppose you are tired of living behind walls; it’s time to invite God into those broken places and let him restore your heart. It’s time to take a chance with people and practice healthy boundaries but be ready to forgive should someone cross the line (and they will).

Establishing healthy boundaries and trusting God will make things right when we’ve been wronged and allow us to live freely